Leaning into difficult relationships at work
My daughter was recently moved by a track she was listening to on the bus — “Should’ve Been Me” by Mitski — to write a screenplay.
Amy’s story, about two people in love but unable to understand and live with each other’s needs, and Mitski’s lyrics — “You wanted me but couldn’t reach me” — moved me to write this blog.
It reminded me how music, words, and conversations — between people we know and those we don’t — can spark a chain of creativity.
I’m curious (and hopeful) whether that chain might continue through this piece. If you’re moved to — do let me know.
The blog focuses on a strong theme I’m experiencing in my coaching and consulting work: people in organisations who want to collaborate, want to improve impact, results, and productivity — and yet struggle to deliver because of challenging dynamics in their relationships at work.
When Relationships Become “Difficult”
These “difficult” relationships show up in many guises — between colleagues, across teams, between functions, or with clients. But beneath the surface, they share familiar patterns:
Not feeling fully seen, heard, or understood.
Not feeling safe to say what we really need to say.
Lacking the skills or confidence to deal with conflict, misunderstanding, or difference.
And perhaps most often, not having the time.
That last one always intrigues me. Because so often, these relationships are high-stakes — affecting not just wellbeing and morale, but business performance. Lost time, lost talent, costly grievances, and failed change efforts all trace back to unresolved relational tension.
A recent UK Government report, Keep Britain Working (2024), highlights the enormous economic cost of poor workplace relationships — with “fear” and “avoidance” cited as key factors that undermine productivity and engagement.
And for individuals, the cost can be deeply personal. Research shows that strained workplace relationships are one of the top predictors of stress, burnout, and even physical illness.
A Paradox of Our Times
We live in an era where, perhaps more than ever before, we are self-focused — curating our identities, protecting our boundaries — while simultaneously craving collaboration, belonging, and understanding.
Yet so often, a kind of stalemate occurs: “I’ll see, value, and understand you — once you’ve seen, valued, and understood me.”
This dynamic can create a tragically destructive cycle at every level — individual, team, organisational, even societal.
As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie reminds us in her brilliant TED Talk, The Danger of a Single Story, we risk reducing others to a single narrative — our own interpretation — and in doing so, we limit both their humanity and our own.
A Simple (and Courageous) First Step: Begin with Curiosity
In Clear Leadership, Gervase Bushe argues that the heart of effective collaboration is interpersonal clarity — the ability to describe our experience clearly without blame, and to stay curious about others’ realities.
Similarly, Susan Scott, in her book Fierce Conversations, calls for “real conversations — those in which we come out from behind ourselves and make it real.”
So before rushing to fix, justify, or act, try beginning with curiosity.
Ask powerful, open questions — of yourself, of others, and about the situation itself. These typically begin with “What…” or “How…” and they slow us down just enough to notice what’s really going on beneath the surface.
Curiosity helps to interrupt the “single story” we may be telling ourselves about what’s happening. It reduces assumptions, surfaces multiple perspectives, and creates the conditions where everyone feels more seen and heard.
When we slow down enough to ask, we raise awareness, co-create meaning, and build a stronger foundation for moving forward.
If you’re finding yourself stuck, repeating actions that don’t work, chances are you’ve moved to action too soon.
Go back to questions.
Questions to Build Awareness and Connection
Here’s a bank of reflective questions to help you, your team, or your organisation move toward deeper understanding and healthier dialogue:
What assumptions am I making that I need to check out?
What do I (and others) need to create the conditions for a more open conversation?
What are the costs of not leaning fully into this situation — for me, for others, for the organisation?
What do I want from this relationship or situation? What do others want? Where are our wants similar — and where are they different?
What is my part that I need to own in this situation?
What are the different perspectives, truths, or stories we’re each holding?
What am I (or we) not saying? What might we be avoiding?
What would curiosity look like right now?
How might I listen — not to reply, but to understand?
What intention do I want to bring to the next interaction?
What could become possible if we each felt truly seen and valued here?
What small act of generosity could shift the energy between us?
What might I learn if I stayed open — even when it’s uncomfortable?
Closing thoughts…
Leaning into difficult relationships isn’t about “fixing” people — it’s about expanding awareness, deepening connection, and restoring flow where fear or misunderstanding has created blockage.
It takes courage, generosity, and time — but as countless studies and stories show, the return is worth it: healthier teams, stronger trust, and work that feels more human.
I always love to hear from you, do stay in touch.
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